The History of the Clown Tradition and Its Impact on the Industrial Revolution

Well, salutations! I've just moved in and most of my things are still in boxes, but I hired some fat buffoon wearing pants on which gravity has an unfortunate effect to help me move this couch in and rant about the brilliance of Rush Limbaugh and the problems with those damn Mexicans. Actually, I only hired him for moving the couch. The stupid, racist claptrap was a free bonus.

Anyway, have a seat on the couch or a box if you prefer. I have some fresh coffee (I always have coffee) and I think there are some kind of cookies in that bag over there.

Yeah, so make yourself comfortable and relax. It'll be easier for me to get ya that way. I'm not sure how long I'm staying, but I'm going to raise Hell while I'm here.

I was thinking about something earlier and I will do you the favor of letting you in on my ruminations.

Okay, so God impregnated Mary, right?

And Jesus was born from this, right?

And Jesus is God, right?

That there's some big, fat incest if I ever heard of it. And I have to wonder, does He give himself greeting cards on Father's Day? Oops. I forgot to capitalize "himself". I hate to be inconsistent. But I forgot to care, too.

I also wonder if Jesus would bone Sarah Palin. I would, if her grey matter wasn't fecal, as well. But she is hot, and really, she kind of deserves something actually worth bragging about. Poor girl.

I know, I'm kind of being mean to Jesus. I'm totally liberal and I have to give props to those who came before me. (Although, I make sure they always come before me. Heh.) After all, he was the very first non-Greek liberal. And I'm talking the bleeding heart kind. Heck, I bet he'd have even hugged trees if they had invented them by that time. And if he were alive now, he wouldn't even vote Democrat. He'd be all Green Party. He'd never think his vote - his voice - didn't count. He didn't back then, did he? He even died for it (which, from what I understand, was on purpose - like jumping on a grenade sort of thing - to give us eternal life, which we have to die for... yeah, I don't get it, either).

And then came Saul. I'm always dumbfounded how his worshipers (yeah, I'm leaving that pronoun ambiguous) never seem to realize that Saul completely changed the message of Jesus. I mean, they were polar opposites. Saul had never even met The Man. He just had a psychotic break (he had the symptoms - look it up), fell off his horse and heard "a voice". The "voice" sounded like what Saul had imagined Jesus would sound (it never said who it was) and asked him why he persecuted it. It made Saul feel so bad that he changed the S in his name to a P and persecuted Jesus some more. How? By making up his own shit and passing it off as "furthering the teachings of Jesus". I don't know why that's in quotes as I have no proof that he ever actually put it that way, but I bet he did. Well, no, he wouldn't have spoken English because the English hadn't been invented yet and they were still speaking Pig Latin and wondering how they could make it a real language so they could ask each other over for a spot of tea. It was tough in England in those days. One person would rattle off a bunch of nonsense syllables, trying to ask a friend to tea, and the friend would think the other was saying, "I'm going to break a branch off of a tree and shove it up your ass and then hang Christmas lights on you." It's probably a good thing that the Vikings killed them off later on. Anyway, I digress. So Saul... Paul... S/Paul... I'll just call him Spaul... decided that Jesus just didn't get the job done. He wasn't quite finished. He figured Jesus was up in the clouds, smacking his forehead and going, "oh crap, I forgot to say some things that completely contradict some other things I said and I went and died before I remembered!" So Spaul did the mighty white thing to do and took it upon himself to completely change the religion. Which was convenient, because later on when the corrupt Roman Empire became the corrupt Holy Roman Empire and made it their mission to spread the word of God thin, things would have been... inconvenient if they had just relied on the gospels. The stupid thing was that some of the people on the council were arguing for just that. They wanted to leave poor Spaul out of it. But wiser heads prevailed and they only picked the gospels that interested them, burned the others and stuffed the majority of their New Testament with Spaul. Oh, and a really cool acid trip experienced by some dude named John, who was from Patmos, except he wasn't from Patmos. (Check it out - things really happened this way.)

Did I just piss you off? I tell you what: give yourself a few years of reading only the gospels and get back to me. And really read them. Don't just pick a few lines here and there. If you're going to follow Jesus, read what he frickin' said.

And I was thinking of something else, too. Imagine if you folks were right and he does come back. I know what you're thinking: a gentle white man with long hair and sad, blue eyes, walking into churches and being hailed as the savior. Bullshit. What happened the first time? He didn't show up as a Roman citizen. He was a lowly Jew. A member of an oppressed minority. This is documented (kind of). The Jews then were the African Americans now. That's why no one else wants to be the "Chosen People". Well, I guess he chose black people this time. So if he came back, what if he was black? Oooooooo... I see your eyes flashing in anger. But you know I'm right. Not only that, but who would be the first people to reject and condemn him? That's right, Christians. And conservatives, Christian or not. Wouldn't it suck for all you conservatives if Jesus came back talking about peace not war and the least among us being great? And that whole embarrassing "other cheek" bit. Oh, and giving to the poor. I know, I'm hurting your ears.

Still, I bet he'd bone Sarah Palin.